"I'll Have Another" not only won yesterday's Kentucky Derby, but he also had the Derby's best name. |
I'm not going to sit here and tell you I know anything about the Kentucky Derby, the Preakness, Belmont, Foxfields or horse racing in general. I wouldn't know the slightest thing of how to get onto a horse. I actually no nothing about horses other than that they're enormous animals that run fast with little people on top of them and that people throw bet the kitchen sink on them when they race. I love the major horse races not for the actual race or even the money involved, but just the quality opportunity for people throw on some ridiculously pastel-oriented garb, consume large quantities of grandpa's favorite cough medicine and bet a lot of money. One other thing I enjoy about the race is the clever horse names. This year we'll give you the top 5 horse names from this year's Derby and why we like them, but don't expect us to engage in jockey talk or horse size or whatever horse racing people chat about.
Honorable Mentions:
Sabercat
I see where they went here, on some futuristic tangent. Unfortunately no points are awarded to horses with names that belong in Star Trek. If you had spelled it Sabrecat it may have been slightly more amusing, since that's the same mistake the Buffalo Sabres made when they created their team. I'm not sure anyone in Lilly Pulitizer or Brooks Brothers enjoys this name in the slightest. This handle is better suited for our weirder, more "unique" friends over yonder.
Daddy Long Legs
Clever. Horses do have long legs and while they don't look anything like that awkward, gangly not quite a spider, spider I like the name. This moniker couldn't crack the top ten not out of effort, just out of sheer nonsense. If we were racing and betting on things I wanted to step on, this would be on the top of my list.
5. Done Talking
This owner went the aggressive route here. I guess he's all walk and no talk right? Well when your horse finishes 14th with 50-1 odds, I'd say you go ahead and reverse the name to keep your dignity intact. All kudos to this horse for putting action over his words, but it all back fired. Actually maybe they named the horse "Done Talking" because he "neighed" a lot less than the other horses. The Kentucky Derby isn't about talking smack though. It's about being classy and while keeping your mouth shut is a eloquent act, naming your horse after a revered silence is a little bit pompous.
4. Rousing Sermon
I enjoy the vibes of this name. This horse obviously got people out of their seats with his stirring stampeding. Maybe this stallion was a pastor in his past life or maybe his neighing is just so uplifting and holy that he has actually God. However, an eighth place finishes tells us that maybe he wasn't so in tune with God and maybe his sermons are better suited for a backwoods Mississippi Baptist Church rather than on Telecare. But nonetheless, this name is clever even if it's a lie, sin or whatever you want to call it.
3. Optimizer
This is just straight up funny. I imagine this horse to be some robotic horse who can run faster than a car, jump higher than Blake Griffin and can, believe or not, speak. Unfortunately, his jockey probably forget to oil this machine forcing him to finish 11th. After the race though he spoke candidly to NBC reporters, apologizing for forgetting to set a reminder for the training staff to oil him. Maybe we'll see this horse in the next transformers movie galloping with Meghan Fox on top of him as Shia Labeouf tries to catch up riding a mechanical donkey behind her. OPTIMIZER ASSEMBLE!
2. El Padrino
If you don't have your english to spanish dictionary strapped to your left leg, I'll help you out with this translation. El Padrino means "The Godfather" in english. If the owner had simply slapped "The Godfather" as his horse's name then you might as well won the award for Worst Attempt At a Clever Name Ever. Instead, he went the spanish route and not only does "El Padrino" sound badass but its meaning is equally gangster. Can't you just see this horse sitting in the barn smoking a fat Cuban and delegating his inferior horses toward organized crime tasks? Yeah, totally inconceivable, but the thought is quite amusing. El Padrino finished thirteenth overall, but that doesn't mean he won't get his. Don't be surprised if Kentucky Derby winner, "I'll Have Another" wakes up with a human head in his barn tomorrow.
1. I'll Have Another
When I heard this was the epithet of the 2012 Kentucky Derby winning horse I was stunned. "I'll Have Another?" That has to be the greatest name I've ever heard. Not only does this horse drink absurd amounts of alcohol, but he also does it with class and a winning attitude. He's never said no in his life, because he always wins and always wants to have a good time. I'm sure this horse was out in downtown Louisville buying everyone drinks and accepting return drink offers like it was his job after the race. Add to the fact that he won the Derby and you probably have the greatest winning name combo ever. Also this name just reminds of this SNL skit for some reason.
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