Grantland has done a phenomenal job of exposing how much of a hilarious guy Jalen Rose is with all these shorts they've had on its Youtube Channel (see the fact that he always carries a bat in every video). One of the best videos Rose is featured in is his "Dark Alley Fab Five" or the five NBA players he would want to bring in a dark alley if tussling was a possibility. The five were, Stephen Jackson, Ron Artest, Kendrick Perkins, Tony Allen and Zach Randolph in that order. Here's the video:
On the heels of that great video, BDD&C would like to respond to Jalen Rose and give him the "Charmin Fab Five" or the top five NBA guys you wouldn't want with you in a dark alley. Here we go:
Pau Gasol, Los Angeles Lakers
I will say this before I rip on Gasol for being soft, he has a come a long way in leading a team. He was the rock on Spain's silver-medal winning team and Phil Jackson's certainly increased his toughness, but the guy's just far too European for the NBA.
Gasol hates to mix it up in the paint, settling for the elbow jumper all day. He's a defensive liability and is probably thanking god for Dwight Howard's paint presence so he can avoid that place like the plague. If you're reading his book by its cover, you can just see by his goofy face and wild hair that he's probably better suited on the Charmin All-star teams.
It doesn't get any softer for Gasol than this:
The best part, fellow softie Andrew Bynum was just laughing at him on the bench.
Brook Lopez, Brooklyn Nets
Lopez, unlike Gasol, actually likes to mix it up in the post, but only on the offensive end. He has some solid post moves and actually isn't a terrible rebounder. But, he never finishes strong and always settles for the finesse move, even if he's got size on a defender.
Despite being seven-feet tall, Lopez gets humiliated on the defensive end as power forwards usually have an easy time backing him down. He routinely avoids getting dunked on because he doesn't want to get humiliated and rarely takes charges or really does anything on defense. Plus he's a Lopez and we know those soft Stanford twins are nothing but seven-feet of fluff. You really know it's bad when your equally and maybe even softer brother dunks on you.
Look at that flailing attempt to block the shot and then "awwww shucks!' response afterwards. Keep waddling down the court like a pouty little kid, Brook.
Carlos Boozer, Chicago Bulls
Boozer may, in fact be, the worst defending big man in the history of the game, let alone in the NBA today. His matador D is so mind-blowing that I think even Clyde Frazier would have to be more disgusted than comical.
This soft power forward robbed the Bulls of $80 million dollars in the free agent frenzy of 2010 and they've been suffering from his lack of toughness ever since. It's kind of funny that he plays for Tom Thibodeau because Thibs preaches toughness and defense. Boozer is a bonafide joke.
Notice how he not only gets dunked on by a guard who I've never heard of, but he also flops himself out of the way all while going nowhere near drawing a charge.
Chris Bosh, Miami Heat
It's not for the sake of trying that Chris Bosh is soft, it's just the way he's built. He's a power forward built like a gangly raptor, who routinely gets bodied because he just isn't big enough.
Attempting to play defense and hitting the elbow jumper on Bosh's strong suites, but he certainly isn't sticking up for any of his teammates. And when he tries to? Who is he intimidating?
I still have no idea how the Heat win without any semblance of a quality, tough big man (Joel Anthony does not count). But I guess they do because LeBron helps hide Bosh's affection with Charmin. Might as well call this dude flopasaurus-rex.
He wouldn't even get in the way of Rajon Rondo, it's not like that dude has the best finishing skills anyway...
Eddy Curry, recently cut by the Dallas Mavericks
Sad, sad story here. Eddy Curry is just a really nice guy that happens to be good at basketball, likes to eat a lot of food and doesn't want to hurt anyone.
For real, a ton scouts have said he's just not mentally or physically tough enough to play in the NBA even though he possess the skills and size to be a competent big man.
Hey, look on the bright side though! Eddy got a ring with the Heat last year!
Wish I had a Youtube video to expose his softness, but that would be downright mean.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
In Response to Jalen Rose's "Dark Alley Fab Five"
Posted on 11:21 AM by Unknown
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